Requirements to be a Mother?

You don't expect to walk out of a church service on Mother's Day feeling defensive and ready to write an email to the pastor.  That's exactly what happened yesterday.  It was all very well intentioned, however I felt ON FIRE for my fellow adoptive mamas.

It started out by the pastor asking fun questions to the audience of probably at least 200 church goers.  "Who gave birth to the largest baby?" he asked, which was followed by multiple mothers in the audience raising their hands and sharing the weight of their very large babies, the winner got a flower from the worship leader.  "Who was in labor the longest?" was the next question followed by the same result.  The rest of the moms in my eye line seemed to be enjoying this little competition and hearing these horror stories of birth.  The final question was geared toward grandmothers.  Those were the three questions that they used to encompass all mothers.

How do you think that made the woman feel who has had 4 miscarriages and has been unable to carry her babies full term?  How did that make those mothers feel who have adopted children after years of infertility.  Those woman who would have given anything to give birth to that 11lb baby after 76 hours of labor.  This tells all adoptive/foster mothers that being in labor and giving birth is a requirement for being a mother.  Obviously this is not the case.

 Even though I didn't experience the heart wrenching struggle of infertility or miscarriages, my heart broke in pieces for those in the congregation who certainly have felt that pain and heartache.  I wasn't offended as much as I felt fiercely protective of my tribe of other adoptive moms.  It's not about getting that elusive flower on mother's day for winning the competition, it's about being included and having society consider them just as much of a mother as if they had given birth to their children.  I know I can speak for all adoptive mothers when I say that I couldn't love my children more if I had given birth to them.  They are my world.  They are my greatest gifts from God and I thank Him for them every day.

All mothers should be revered, respected and honored, no matter how we became mothers.  Although we didn't go through hours of painful labor, you better believe we went through MANY more hours of paperwork, interviews, inspections and then waiting.  We wanted to be mothers just as much as anyone else and we worked very hard for it.  So, please, when you find out we are mothers via adoption,  just treat us like you would any other mother.  We are no better or no less than any other, we just want to be seen as equal.

A SHELTER???? MEOW!

Ever since our twins joined our family back in 2010 we had lived in Medina, OH.  Mike and I both grew up in this small Cleveland suburb, so we knew a lot of people around town.  Anyone I didn't know personally was accosted with adorable photographs if they went shopping at the local greenhouse and farm where my mother worked.  Sometimes people would come up to us on the street and say, "Hey, aren't you Charlotte & Caroline?" even though I had never seen said person before in my life.  That could've been the result of the girls going to every VBS in town for two summers straight.  Don't judge, using Jesus as free respite isn't again the rules, we talked, He's cool with it.

This being said, the girls were never really approached with very many questions about their adoption.  Add in the fact that they were still young enough that kids didn't notice racial differences and that every November (Adoption Awareness Month) I have gone into their classrooms to share a book about adoption and answer all of the children's questions about it, there hadn't been much opportunity or need for them to stand on their own two feet and answer the tough questions alone.

Then we moved.  We moved to PA, outside of Philadelphia, to a town and a school even whiter and more rural than the one we came from.  The questions began before school even started.  This is the conversation I walked outside to in my backyard:

"A SHELTER????  You mean an orphanage?  Yes, I used to live in an orphanage in Africa, NOT in a shelter.  What do you think I am?  A cat?  MEOW!!!"  I stood back trying not to wet my pants.  I wanted to see where this was going to go next.  

The boy and Caroline both laughed.  Then he said "So your real mom just left you there?"  Caroline responded with an annoyed tone, clearly wanting to get back to the game they were just in the middle of, "Yeah, sure.  Let's play."

I swooped and and made some politically correct statement that their birth mother was too poor to take care of them so she made the loving choice to allow another family to take care of them.  Then I came inside.  I thought about what I needed to say as a follow up to this interaction.

Once she came inside for the night I told her how proud I was of her.  I liked how she made it silly so that he didn't feel dumb.  It is likely that she is the first adopted child he has ever met and he was using the vocabulary that he was familiar with when it comes to adoption, albeit pet adoption.  She has such great comedic timing that I knew the humorous approach would be her strength.  I then gave her suggestions about how to better answer his question about her "real mom".  "Is my mom imaginary?  I'm pretty sure she's real.  I think you mean by birth mom."  These were my suggestions on how to handle it in a humorous way while still educating him on the correct vocabulary.  

We then talked about how much of her story she wants to share.  I reminded her that her story is private and it is nobody's business how she came to be adopted.  She can share what she feels comfortable with, and we went through a few different levels of sharing information.  I want to empower my girls.  I don't want there to be any shame with their stories, and one day I'd love for them to be able to use their story to share God with others by telling them how He has worked in their lives.  Baby steps.

In the meantime we will continue to keep an open dialogue about how to handle the tough questions. And don't worry, if the stories are funny, you'll be sure to hear all about it!